Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.