Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Pot warmers of the day.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*