Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit