#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
No. YOU-buprofen.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”