ODE TO TWITTER
đ¶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smartđ¶
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Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I donât understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me yesterday: Iâm gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rÄ«Äe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: âŠ
WIFE: âŠ
ME: âŠfrom the Latin ‘Anglus’
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[father & son looking up at the night skyâobserving starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests â€ïž We are the virus
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My neighbor wonât understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
If Nostradamus had been any good heâd have called his book of prophecies âPredictive Textâ.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My local coffee shop has one of those âNo WiFi, pretend itâs the old daysâ signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.