OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
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me hooking up with my ex
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU