Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
You Might Also Like
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*frowns in Scottish*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere