Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I only treason on days ending in y
channeling her this year
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*