“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me when the borders lift
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.