Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy


Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here


*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous


I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.


1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend


My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.


Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k



Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…


“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”