Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.