I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
You Might Also Like
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
all I wanna do is
move to a safer neighborhood
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.