@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

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@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@josephknuckles

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@Sanbel11

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

@jojipaints

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

@HenpeckedHal

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.