Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?