@WilliamAder

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

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@noog

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

@marcusthetoken

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@Gupton68

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

@Samzen_

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

@KalvinMacleod

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

@birbigs

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

@Hadzilla

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..