Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
i’m sure it’s fine
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*