Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY