Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Hank is one in a melon.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well