Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
found this cool rock hiking today
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
scared to check what name she chose