This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?