Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

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This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.


So I licked her face.


“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke


A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.


FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.


HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?