Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
repaired
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
fr
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?