Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it