@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

You Might Also Like

@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@audipenny

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

@Amusitr0n

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

@

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@panmidwest

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.