Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that


I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.


Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”


You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……


Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now


My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock


Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.


Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.