Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.