Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and