Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.