Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay