Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
There are usually two types of merchants.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…