Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.


Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??


I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.


[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.


Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.


Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”