Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
hmm conte-me mais
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.