Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?