@

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

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@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

@ExBoltsFan

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@ArfMeasures

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

@mydmac

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@ArfMeasures

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

@Book_Krazy

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

@jwoodham

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?