Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.