Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine