Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
🙂🙃🥹
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.