Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
meanwhile over on facebook
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff