Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
when you are just born a rebel
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”