Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.