Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
You Might Also Like
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him