Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Meredvth

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

@samalmightysam

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

@Reverend_Scott

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

@thisbrokeme

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@Proxic0n

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@YahooAnswersTXT

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

@mrtruthandsoul

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?