I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?