Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.