“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Siri, fight Alexa.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T