Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime