“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA