Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Trumpy Cat
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.