Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
But is it really??
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡