Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.


I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.


ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no


[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.


I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck


[first day on the job as a drug dealer]


“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*


Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.


Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’


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