Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.