Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway


Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


Rival Gang Leader:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you


What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.


murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10


The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun


Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”


I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.