@Reverend_Scott
@gojarbe [gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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@gojarbe 
@david8hughes Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
@KelFocker I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
@LittleHarmonica I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
@T_N_Crumpets Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
@Love_bug1016 What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
@mrjohndarby [phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
@slimmy_shady The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
@0ne_1980 Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
@goldengateblond I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.