“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
You Might Also Like
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Cndnsd Mlk
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.