Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.