Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid