Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming