Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me 2 months after i graduated
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go