Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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My favorite female superhero
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”