Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Meanwhile in Canada…
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it