Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead