@amishschool

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

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@XplodingUnicorn

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

@leadnotfolow

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

@hipstermermaid

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

@mrtruthandsoul

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@LMemeit

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

@Steadi_lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@MatCro

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.