Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
B