Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.